Why am I second guessing?
Because I feel stupid, that my recent problems are still rooting to my past.
I had a dysfunctional family. I've got over that, consciously. Sub-consciously, I don't think I have, after all these problems that I'm facing, right here right now.
How do I came to this psychoanalytical conclusion? By editing those damn psychology textbooks... hehe. The best medicine usually the bitter one, I guess.
OK, HERE IT GOES...
I seem to always having these down-days, randomly. Like Mandy Moore said in 'A Few Days Down':
And all that you want
Is a few days down
All that you need
A little time to drown
It's to be expected
With all the weight you carry 'round
All that you want is
A Few Days Down
It's a short vacation
To a foreign nation
Oh, nothing familiar here
Just you and your lonesome heart complaining
I'm not looking for justification, which only gonna be temporary.
I want answer,
I want understanding,
I want relief.
The search for answer,
my search for answer.
It goes everywhere, to words that I could think of, and to words that I found in everybody else, wise persons and associates.
After a while, it all came down to this:
Why the abundance of disfunctionalities?
Are they all serve only as means of filtering, the ones that go to heaven and the ones that go the opposite direction?
All those failures,
crimes,
disabilities,
vanities,
decadences,
and everything that represent the low side of humanity,
that had made all these hollows in life and in the face of the earth,
only serve that one and only role of filtering?
What an abundance!
I hate abundance. Abundance is waste. Even the useful things on earth, if goes abundant, is waste. Useless, and even destructive. Again, in the hands of humanity. And in the sole role of heaven or hell.
I grew up recognizing human's ability to look behind things that exist or happen. Analytics, logics, scientific thinking, whatever the name is. I embrace it, I look up to it, I practice it, to the extent of my own logics, of course.
HUMAN
is the only one species that develops recognition that every human being deserves to survive.
Every human,
means extraordinary humans: leaders, founders, pioneers...
common people: parents, workers, children...
less-fortunate ones: poors, disabled, orphans...
and, criminals, abusers, corruptors...
Animals, they stick to the natural selection pattern:
Any disabilities, any one that does not meet the standard requirement,
whether its a physical abnormality,
a deviation of manner,
or simply an unfortunate incident (got separate/lost from one's family or group, for example),
will lead to a significant loss of survival chance,
and death.
I was going to list how community insist to keep the lowlies alive but not to do anything to make these kinda people become better in their lives. It's a long list, and I don't wanna go through it just to get a headache. It's all around, the ones that doesn't see it probably just doesn't want to see it.
I can't entirely blame the able ones for the unable ones. Ability is relative. As any human reach a higher/better stage of life, reaching a better ability, the person also acquires new needs and demands that require new abilities, and the cycle continues. To have more money to give, and so having more requirements for oneself and families, and less time to care for the unfortunates, which then render the person 'unable' to care for other than one's own everyday live. It's the cycle of common-life.
I still believe that there's time and chance for the unfortunates, even inside the rigid and cold common-life cycle.
I can say that, for events that occur in the community. I'm relatively unable to change anything anyway.
Then, it comes to myself.
All these unproductive days.
I used to find a reason for those days.
Recently, I've run out of reasons.
My reasons became excuses.
Then, my excuses became unbearably irrational.
What the hey???
Why can't I make myself move?
Why do I wasting in abundance?
Why?
What?
How?
PART TWO: AN ANSWER? I BELIEVE SO...
Melanie C, 'Here & Now':
I walked the line so carefully
I took my time, I wondered
The here and now, what matters now
No looking back, that's over
I stood alone, the only one
I didn't know I was waiting
For liberty to feel like me
And now I'm here I'm not willing to change
If you choose we won't move
I'm here with you
The air is calm
No more to do
I don't know what tomorrow brings
The sun may shine, the world come tumbling down
I don't care what went on before
But I'm sure of the here and now
The here and now
The here and now
Then I remember:
Human thinking,
will never be able to comprehend,
the vastness,
of God's entity, creations, and wisdom.
I'm just human.
The answer is beyond... way beyond... myself.
In time, with God's grace, I'll understand.
Some people would say that I've given up my process of seeking answers.
No.
After all, a process is not always short, predictable, or rushed.
I'll get it, one day.
Some said:
The fun is in the process.
It's the journey, not the destination.
For all I know now,
this believe,
this faith,
brings smile to my once sulky face, again.
It's a hope.
It's a life.
I'm alive.
I'm loving life.
Thank you, God.
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