STEADY AS A HERO

Hi guys..
I'm really sorry I haven't been around lately
and missing some time with you all.
I've been gone through changes,
learning,
improvement.

Some things are changing,
some other are not.

There's a lesson I just re-learnt
that things are changing in different pace.
Sometimes change has a very slow pace
that at some point it seem unchanging
and become such a bogger.

Perhaps it's not just a lesson about the change itself.
Maybe it's a lesson about my own perspective.
To be patient
and -more importantly- to be steady.

Steady was
-and still is, in some (or maybe -you'd say- many) of my ways-
not.. me.
Moody.. once said to me.
No matter how often they characterised me as
uncertain,
unrelated,
and eventually.. unimportant,
there's always something elusive behind the character of mine.

Too many times I question why I linger as an unsteady person.
Is it my past?
Is it my environment?
Is it inevitable?
What should I do about it?
How should I change?
Should I just dismiss it and carry on trying to do my best?
How can I do my best
when there's an unsolved question that is so basic?
Or..
what?

Perhaps it is environment.

There's just no one that I can really relate to
in matters of background, activity, preference, or chance.
My parents -may they rest in peace-
were ill and passed away
far before I reach the point
where I got the urge to talk deep about myself.
My second family,
my relatives,
my friends,
my ex-girl.
There's just way too many factors
that made us walk our own separate ways.

One of the crucial factor
is time.
Everybody else has achieved that self-definition stage
while I'm still pondering around trying to match my environment.

Then as many time went by
I -unconsciously- built up this self-opinion
that I always around people who never really relate to me.

I got angry
but silently.
I knew who I am.
There's history that made me unworthy,
incommon,
unrelated.
It's why they just wont put up enough effort to relate to me.
But dammit..

I was ruining myself.
Lose alot of my future.
Got really ill for the first time and compromise my health.

That was the down of the very down of me.
That was..
history.

Now
through these couple of years
my future is rebuilding.
Wont be able to reclaim the old-amazing-future
that I've scrapped behind,
but this is a future.

Back to being steady,
I often recall what Aunt May told Peter Parker in Spidey 2,
when he was really bogged down by everything around him
and gotten unsure about what hero means,
then he came back to his roots,
that is his home
and beloved aunt..

"I believe there's a hero in all of us,
that keeps us honest,
gives us strength,
makes us noble,
and finally allows us to die with pride,
even though sometimes we have to be steady,
and give up the thing we want the most.
Even our dreams."

My quote to that:
"To be a hero, you must be steady."

Perhaps the most important hero is in every one of us,
that relying on someone else's
won't ever be enough.

To you all..
who's keeping up with me
all this time.
You know who you are to me..

With the very whole of my heart
I thank you..