E V E R Y B O D Y H U R T S
Even pop stars get the blues. Vanessa Carlton opens up about her long battle with depression.
When I think of my childhood, I think of playing in the woods, and I'm the only one there. I kept to myself a lot and had really low moods. At the same time, I was incredibly productive, getting straight As and ballet dancing competitively. But ever since I was little, I've experienced patches of blue.
When I was fourteen, I got into the cutthroat School of American Ballet in New York. I thought nothing of moving away from my family's home in Pennsylvania. I was innocent, but very focused. For the first two years, I was one of the strongest dancers in my class, and life was great. But during my junior year, I had a growth spurt. I shot up four inches. It was too much for the teachers to handle -SAB is a finishing school they couldn't help me train my new body. Very quickly, I went from being a favorite to blending in. I had always relied on my teachers' praise. Without it, I felt worthless. By senior year, I was moved to a level I didn't want to be in. I sunk into a deep depression and stop going to class. I thought, If my teachers don't miss me, why should I go?
"I felt abandoned and, in turn, abandoned everything."I barely spoke to my parents for a year. My mom's attempts at encouragement only made me feel worse.
Instead of dancing, I began composing songs on a keyboard in my dorm room. I remember writing "Twilight," which later made it to my first album, and crying all the way through. Music became my savior. I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol, though I easily could have. When the feelings are that dark, you just want to stop them. You're not concerned with the ramifications.
After high school, things were okay for a while. I was working toward getting a recording contract. Ironically, life got bad once I signed that contract. It was what I wanted, of course, but it brought on changes I wasn't ready to handle. My life was on display. I became obsessed with my diet and with working out. I convinced myself I was just following a regimen, but when I threw up for the first time, I got scared. So I went on antidepressants.
I had always thought taking drugs for depression was a sign of weakness -you couldn't get things together- or that drugs changed your character. But you can have all the tools in the world and still think, Why can't I get out of bed? I want to accomplish things. But you can't.
Once I got through my eating disorder and the contract stress, I went off medication. But I had a problem again next year. My album came out and was doing amazingly well. I was seemingly on top of the world. But success, I found out, doesn't equal happiness. If my personal life wasn't working, and it wasn't, everything was poisoned. I became unable to give interviews without crying. It was obvious that sadness was affecting my work.
Taking a pill didn't change my life, but it did help me readjust my habits and my state of being. If your mind has a resting place -where it's inclined to exist- mine would be in the blues. I'm outgoing and I don't mope around, but there's a heaviness that I always carry.
I now support Mpower (www.mpower.youth.org), a web resource for teens struggling with depression that focuses on how music can help you overcome rough times, like it did for me. What's great about the site is that if you're uncomfortable telling your parents or friends how you're feeling, you can still get information online.
Today, I'm happy and healthy, preparing for my next record. I take things as they come and try not to overthink. I'm not on medication, but I'm not afraid that I may need it again. I've figured out what's keep me going, and that's the richness of my relationship. If those are solid, then life is grand.
"If my career tanks, sure, that'd be upsetting, but at the end of the day, if I'm close to my family and my best friends, then I'm pretty lucky."
As told to Alyssa Giacobbe: TeenVogue, February, 2004, Dealing With Depression.
This article was found at
TAKE MY HAND: Black Vulture's Vanessa Carlton Fan Site
as scanned images from TeenVogue magazine.
Last reviewed: 6 July, 2005.
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